What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 28.06.2025 06:33
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
So, i spoilt her more .
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The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
One cannot live in the past .
Would this be the day?
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Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He resisted the act ,that day.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Comes on , in middle age.
She found it foreign!.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
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Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
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Especially a lifetime of it.
It was going to be , some day.
I don,t even have a pension.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I have no regrets .
I couldn’t, believe it.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
As i do to all so called friends.?
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
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Im dying but, im not bitter.
My family never makes their pension either.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
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19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
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And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Who then, do I blame.?
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
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We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
On the 31st of Jan this month .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
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Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I was seconnd youngest,
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But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
She was in good health!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
We were not on the streets..
When she asked me how she looked .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I said to her
My mum and dad in the seventies!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I was 9 years of age.
I waited trembling.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But, we were locked up after school.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I never cut or harmed myself..
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I write beautiful poetry .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She married twice! .
So whats the point in blame.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
My life is so biszare .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
And i lived it daily.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I think the readers, may guess!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
All the time i was locked up.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
She loved him until the end.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
She wouldn,t have been !
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
We all went to grammer schools
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Was to survive, this bastard.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But ive been too sick for many years..
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He knew the spot.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I could never make a relationship work though!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I was scared of men, in general
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
What did i know ?
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Ive learnt so much.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Im still living with it.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I will be 64.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But it wasn’t much.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I was very sick at this time too.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
This is soul school!.
Why did i forgive my father ?
(And it was in our own minds.)
I had hoped to write a book about this .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Put me off passion for life!!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.